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Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Last Stand: Arnie's back

5:10 AM
The Last Stand: Arnie's back

If you think the former California governor is too elderly for gunslinging death matches, just take a look at this trailer

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Until now, Arnold Schwarzenegger's journey back towards movie stardom has been tentative to say the least. His appearance in The Expendables 2 basically amounted to him listing all of his catchphrases in chronological order like a sad circus bear. Then he spent the rest of the summer fruitlessly trying to develop a kind of monstrous Laurel and Hardy-style double act with Boris Johnson. If anything, that was worse.

But now, finally, Schwarzenegger is ready to take on Hollywood again. His fully fledged comeback vehicle, The Last Stand, is released next month. But what'll it be like? Will Arnie be back to his best? He's 65 years old and looks like a scrotum full of walnuts, but can he still take down swarms and swarms of baddies all by himself? Will it at least be better than The 6th Day? The newest trailer for The Last Stand attempts to answer all these questions and more in exactly 60 seconds. Let's see how successful it is.

Great news â€" it's business as usual. A bunch of maniacs are making a crazed dash for the Mexican border, while apparently firing as many automatic weapons as they can. If this were real life, it would be the silliest episode of Police Camera Action ever. But this is an Arnold Schwarzenegger film, so it's probably the most subtle call to action anyone could think of. Only one man can stop these lunatics. It's ...

Forest Whitaker in a suit? What? That's no good. He's won awards, for crying out loud. He's acclaimed for his nuanced performances. He'd better not be in The Last Stand too much. I don't know about you, but the last thing I want is loads of ill-advised thoughtfulness stinking up Arnold Schwarzenegger's wave of pensionable violence.

Oh dear. This gets worse and worse. Here's our first shot of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he's holding a telephone. A telephone, for god's sake. It's the right way up and everything. I don't think his character in Collateral Damage even knew what a telephone was. Maybe he threw one at a baddie's head during Commando or something, but only as a last resort. Who wants to see an Arnie film where Arnie has the mental capacity to work basic household items? Not me. Politics has changed you, Schwarzenegger, and not for the better.

Oh, wait, no. Scrap that. Schwarzenegger's sidekick in The Last Stand is Johnny Knoxville. And he's wearing a funny hat. You can breathe a sigh of relief now, everyone. The phone was a red herring. Only a colossal idiot would want to be friends with Johnny Knoxville. Arnie's back, and he's just as much of a moron as ever.

Now we've cleared that up, it's time to watch Arnie shoot things. So here you go â€" here he is shooting a handgun while pulling a face like he's trying to stifle a guff.

And here's Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting a shotgun while pulling a face like he's failed to stifle a guff, and he's followed through, and he's having to waddle all the way home.

And here's Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting a ... hey, that's not a gun! It's a cup of coffee. What sort of highbrow Little Lord Fauntleroy goes around drinking coffee? You suck, Arnold Schwarzenegger. We didn't watch this trailer to watch you hydrate. This is the worst film of all time.

I take it all back â€" here's Arnold Schwarzenegger firing a machine gun out of the back of a school bus while Johnny Knoxville gurns and yelps next to him. The Last Stand is going to be amazing. You must never leave us again, Arnie.

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